the bed is made the world's a mess

...makes me smile

2012-02-06T14:50:00.001-06:00

Hello friends! It's been awhile since I've done my Monday "makes me smile". I'm going to try to get back into this weekly feature. I think it's good for my soul to list what I'm thankful for each week.

Here's what made me smile this week...

Spending some time at the Lied Lodge...

A beautiful (but quickly melting) snow....

The super bowl halftime show...

Freshly brewed (decaf) coffee waiting for me in the morning...

Bidding on books of this nature on Ebay...

Planning for my sister's coed baby shower...(have any inspirational links for me?!)

This indoor tepee...

New Field Music...

Lu's sudden new love for books...

A much needed phone date with my dear friend...

Tell me, what made you smile this week?

this moment

2012-02-03T11:23:00.000-06:00

Inspired by Soulemama:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

this moment

2011-12-16T13:05:00.001-06:00

this moment

2011-12-02T18:25:00.001-06:00

The Story of Stuff

2011-11-30T20:21:00.001-06:00

Watch this 20 minute video....then show it to your kids, your friends, your parents, your neighbors.

And stop consuming!

It's not about the presents....

2011-11-30T13:09:00.001-06:00

...but His presence.

Anyone remember that cheesy Christmas saying? If you grew up in a mainline protestant church I'm pretty sure you do. While it is extremely cheesy, I feel that it is a good reminder. Christmas is a special, wonderful time. It's my favorite holiday :) If you are a Christian, Christmas is the time when we celebrate the birth of our Savior with our families. If you aren't, you still make an effort to spend quality time with your loved ones.

Lately, I have been so frustrated with the consumerism surrounding Christmas. When I look back on my childhood Christmas memories, I don't remember what gifts I received each year. If I think really hard, I only remember the times I really hoped for something but didn't get it (sorry, Mom....I was kind of selfish!) When I was growing up my mom was the only one caring for my siblings and me. I have two brothers and two sisters. As you can imagine, money was tight. I remember my mom frequently stressing about not having enough money to buy us presents each year. I always told her that we didn't need them, but as a parent I can totally understand that need to be able to provide a gift for each one of your children. And the feeling of failure when you are unable to.

My family was on the receiving end of a lot of generous giving. Those families whose names you pick off of Christmas trees hanging up at the mall or in your local bookstore? We were that family. This was slightly embarrassing for me growing up. I remember being ashamed that one year our school principal brought us a bag of gifts that had been donated to the school for poor families. Now, however, I am able to see how much my family received and I am forever grateful. I saw first hand the generosity and kindness of others. That generosity is what I remember most about our Christmas presents.

What I also remember from our Christmas celebrations are the traditions that we celebrated. Each year we would go out to a local tree farm and pick out a real, live Christmas tree. This tradition is so strong that when Joe and I were engaged and we began discussing different traditions we may have in our family I jokingly told him that a real tree at Christmas was part of the marriage. You get me and a real Christmas tree every year :) When I was a kid, my siblings and I would take turns picking out the tree each year. I was notorious for picking out monstrous trees. Trees that wouldn't fit through the front door. Trees that fell over when ornaments were placed on them. Trees that required being tied to the window frame with bungee cords just so they could stand straight. My Christmas trees are the stuff of legends and my siblings and I tell the stories of these trees every year. It's so fun to hear everyone's perspective on the event and laugh together.

These are the things I remember most about Christmas growing up. Naturally, these are the things I hope our children will remember. I don't want the focus to be so much on the presents that they forget the traditions and time we spend together as a family. I don't want them to be so intent on what they receive as a gift that they forget to give to others. I want them to experience as much (if not more) joy giving gifts to others as they do getting gifts.

So beginning this year, we are no longer going to buy presents for our family.

Yes, you read that right. We are not going to buy presents. We are going to give gifts that are homemade, creative and are more about the time spent together rather than the physical gift. There are lots of ideas on the internet about alternative Christmas gifts. Buy Nothing Christmas has some great ideas. This year I think we are going to give our girls some pajamas (hopefully second-hand) and a night at a hotel together as a family. I have some really great ideas for my husband that I will share after Christmas. We will also make giving to others (other than family) a big part of our Christmas traditions as well. The gifts for those in need will probably be brand new, but we will make sure to buy from locally owned, independent businesses rather than corporations.

What are you holiday traditions? What alternative gifts will you be giving this year?

this moment

2011-11-18T07:06:00.000-06:00

*my brother is in the process of moving into our basement....hence the extra "stuff" in our living room*

Walker

2011-11-04T22:05:00.001-05:00

This girl....

decided to stand up on her own two feet and walk today.

I'm not ready for this.

Hold me.

this moment

2011-10-28T07:30:00.000-05:00

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember.

Pregnancy & Infant Loss Remembrance Day

2011-10-15T20:46:00.000-05:00

October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Today, I remember my Seraphim, who we lost 2 years ago. I remember all my friends and family's babies who never saw life outside of their mother's wombs. I remember my family member's baby who lived for just a short time in this world.

memory stones at a Dia de Los Muertos art show

I found with my miscarriage that many people simply did not know what to do or say to help me through my grief. Some had wonderful intentions, but said some of the most hurtful things. Others simply said or did nothing at all. That was even more hurtful. If you know someone that has gone through a miscarriage or infant loss, don't just ignore it. Do something.

Here are some things that were helpful:

A home cooked meal. Food was the last thing on my mind during my miscarriage, but I knew that I needed to eat. I didn't have the energy to cook. A few families brought us meals and they were well received. I cannot express to you how grateful we were for those meals. Even if I didn't eat much, I knew that my daughter and husband were getting some good food.

An offer to babysit. One of the things about my miscarriage that was so difficult was that my baby was actually on my ovary, which is called an ectopic pregnancy. I had to receive a couple shots to ensure the baby would no longer grow on my ovary (heartbreaking) and then had to get my blood drawn every couple days for a week, then a couple times the next week, followed by a few more the next couple weeks. Needless to say, that was a lot of running around. Since I didn't have set appointments at the lab, it was first come, first serve. Sometimes I would walk in and walk out in 5 minutes. Other times I would wait for 45 minutes before I was able to have my blood drawn. Some of my friends offered to watch Z for me when I would go get my blood drawn and I was very grateful. Family members offered to take her for a whole day the week after the miscarriage occurred so I could rest and grieve.

Something to make me laugh. Some of my friends had beautiful flowers delivered. That was very much appreciated. But the thing that I remember most was what my sister-in-law and brother-in-law sent to us. They had called us to see if we would be home when the delivery was scheduled, but I assumed it was flowers. Then Joe answered the door and started laughing. I was laying on the couch and asked what was so funny. He walked into the living room with an edible fruit bouquet. It was totally unexpected. I could not stop laughing. I'm sure that they meant for the bouquet to be comforting, but it was so much more than that. It was the first thing that put a smile on my face in the midst of pain and grief.

A chance to tell my story. Loss makes people uncomfortable. Having recently lost my Great-Grandpa and my Grandma, I know that people don't like talking about death. But something about losing a baby makes people infinitely more uncomfortable. I don't know what it is. Lots of people told me they were sorry and praying for me. However, not many people were willing to listen. I read somewhere that telling your miscarriage story can be almost as important as sharing your birth story. I had a few friends that were willing to listen to all of my story and while it was painful to share, it was also healing.

Time to grieve. One of the most common questions I was asked when I shared about my miscarriage was, "When can you try for another baby?" This was incredibly infuriating to me. I had just lost my baby. I felt rushed, like everyone thought if I could just get pregnant then I would be "over it". I needed time to grieve. And because the grief was so tied to my baby's existence, it was hard to let go of that grief. I wasn't ready to even begin thinking about having another baby.

Gentle words. I heard a lot of painful things that were meant to be comforting. Things like, "You're lucky you weren't too far along..." or "Maybe your baby was disabled..." or "I bet it's just a late period..." When you are trying to think of what to say to people who are grieving the loss of their baby, don't speculate. Uncertainty is such a big part of a miscarriage, the last thing I needed was people trying to figure out what reason God would have for letting my baby die. What I needed to hear was "I'm very sorry...." or "I have no idea what you are feeling, but I am here..." or even "What can I do to help?" Choose your words carefully, but make sure you say something to acknowledge the loss.

Understanding and patience. Grief makes many things difficult. Everyday things. Brushing your teeth, changing your clothes, even breathing is difficult after a loss. Many people were there for us immediately after the miscarriage, but a week, two weeks, a month later? Not so much. A month after my miscarriage I would still spontaneously burst into tears in public, still have difficulty completing everyday tasks. I would still get angry at every single pregnant woman I saw (sorry to all my pregnant friends during this time!) Life was just hard. But everyone else had moved on. I was in need of some understanding and patience.

Support from those who have experienced loss. Specifically women and men who have suffered a miscarriage or infant loss. There is a special bond between people that have experienced this kind of loss.

A name for our baby. This one was probably the most healing thing we could do. I'm not sure how something as simple as naming our unborn child could have such a healing effect, but it did. Since we named our baby after Saint Seraphim of Sarov, we also got an icon of the same saint. It's a tangible item to help us remember. No matter your faith or religion, you can get something physical in remembrance of your baby.

To those who have suffered a loss, do you have anything to add? What helped you during your time of grief?

this moment

2011-10-07T21:29:00.000-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-10-03T07:06:00.000-05:00

Hello! Here's what made me smile this last week...

These beautiful fall days...

Celebrating the day Lu was born...

Celebrating the day Z was born...

Help from my family when I was overextended...

Birthday parties...

Organic brownie box mixes...

Prairieland chocolate milk...

New wooden toys...(that I'm maybe a bit more excited to play with than my girls are!)

Late night Apples to Apples with family...(my family is FUNNY!)

A nice cup of coffee with breakfast...

What made you smile?

p.s. I'll get back to posting links to cool stuff around the web soon....

this moment

2011-09-23T10:08:00.003-05:00

One Year Ago...

2011-09-23T07:30:00.000-05:00

I can't believe it's been a year since my Lu was born. I know that time flies that first year...I prepared myself to savor every moment. And yet, it feels as if that first year escaped me. Seriously....how did my little one grow so fast?

I realized that I never shared the beautiful photos my brother took after Lucia was born. Our intention was for him to be there to photograph the birth. I was in the middle of intense labor when my doula asked if we should call him. At the moment, the thought of having a person snapping pictures during my contractions really set me off. So I asked her to wait. I didn't think of it again until it was almost time to push. So....he missed the birth. I was really bummed about it for a while, thinking I would have loved to have the birth and everything that led up to it photographed. In hindsight, I think it was good he wasn't there. I'm glad he was able to capture what he did, but obviously my gut knew that I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with photography during my labor.

Here are a few of the photos...

This was taken almost right after Lu was born. I was in the herbal bath my midwife prepared waiting for Lu to come join me. I remember feeling so exhilarated...though you may not see that on my face here.

This photo right here is my favorite of the bunch. I literally gasped when I first saw it. I remember just being in awe of this little person that I was holding. And still totally shocked Lu was a girl. I was convinced my entire pregnancy that I was having a boy.

Right after our bath the midwife took Lu to weigh her. She used an old, metal scale. I remember looking at the scale and wondering how many babies had been weighed on it. So many. I also remember that I had washed our towels the night before and they were still in the dryer. I'm pretty sure I had to ask the midwife's apprentice to go get them out of the dryer for us in the middle of labor.

Here she is on the scale...I love seeing her wrinkly skin in this one. She weighed 7lbs 6 oz....just two ounces more than Z.

Still in the bathroom...Joe and the midwife dressed Lu while I soaked in the tub.

Joe with Lu after they got her dressed. He told me that when he got back to the room it was all cleaned up from the birth already. Those apprentices are fast! I love the look on his face here....exhaustion and joy (he worked pretty hard during the labor and birth too).

This photo is so interesting to me. It's right after my bath. I remember feeling so relieved and incredibly empowered...but I look totally wiped out. Our priest is praying for us and Joe is beside me holding Lu. Our doula is on the floor nursing her son. This moment felt strangely sacred. There was a lot of love in that room.

This was taken in the evening, after Joe and I returned from the emergency room. I had to go to get sutured since our midwife does not suture. Azalia had been out with her Abita (short for Abuelita) and Tia Sarah all day. They took her out to celebrate her birthday, which was the following day. Although Z was present for the birth, this was the first time she got to hold her sister. I'm so glad that my brother captured this moment.

Many, many thanks to my brother, Nate, for these after birth photos. They are such a treasure.

We are still here...

2011-09-05T15:47:00.003-05:00

Hello friends.

It's been a while since our last post, hasn't it? I just wanted to write and say that I'm taking a little break from this space. We have been busy beyond belief. Health issues (relatives, not us!), babies, school, work and some house remodeling...all the things that fill up life quickly. I do plan on returning to regular posting sometime this month, though I'm not sure when. I am also trying to figure out what I want this blog to be about. I don't want it to be just another "mommy" blog. I also don't feel qualified to make this a faith blog. But I want this space to make a difference, to educate, to encourage and to open people's eyes.

To my readers, what do you like to see here? What are your favorite posts? To my friends who know us well, what do you think?

The Printed Word

2011-08-19T20:01:00.002-05:00

source: flickr

I was in Barnes and Noble this last week and was struck by an ad I saw there. I normally visit my local, independent bookstore for all my book needs, but I was waiting to meet with my advisor at school. I had both of the girls and B & N happens to be next to the school. Anyways, the ad I saw showed a young child sitting in a window seat. Sunlight is streaming through the large window and the child looks thoroughly engrossed in whatever it is he is reading. But he wasn't holding a large picture book or a well-worn paperback novel....he was holding a Nook.

This picture stopped me in my tracks. I honestly felt that this ad looked like it could be a scene from a science-fiction movie. The story would be set in a world where physical books no longer exist. Everything you read is on a portable mini-computer. Then, a deadly virus destroys these mini-computers and the world is left without the written word in any form. All the classics, Tolstoy, Austen, Shakespeare, all vanish. The world then slowly declines until mankind is extinct.

Dramatic? Maybe.

Then I began to think about what the world will look like when my daughters are my age. Are books going to become like records, collected by a few, die-hard fans? Will the printed word even exist? Will they have a physical connection to books like I do? Will they enjoy the weight of a book in their hands? Will they see the way a paperback's spine shows its wear? Will they feel the softness of a book's pages as they turn? Will they be able to open a used book and inhale its sweet, musty scent?

There is something about the connection with a physical, printed book that makes reading that much more enjoyable. Will this same connection exist with an electronic version of a book? I have my doubts. I just can't see how the experience of reading a physical book can be matched by reading a book with the newest piece of digital technology.

So, from this point on, I am making a commitment to read the printed word. Hopefully, this love for the printed word will be passed on to my daughters, and they can help books and other writings remain a physical part of their world.

Do you own a Nook or a Kindle? Do you read books on your phone?

Are book an endangered species?

Forgiveness. . .

2011-08-15T13:08:00.000-05:00

Author's note: This is the beginning of a series of blogs I started and never finished. This one was begun in January of this year. I just finished it today. I've been so inconsistent with blogging that my wife has started to give me assignments. I'm proud to say that I initiated this series. It will get done. . .probably.

Every morning right around 7:15 my eldest daughter cracks open her door, softly pads her feet down the hall to our room, creaks open our door and, with hall lights streaming in from her face says, "Daddy, I'm hungry. Let's go eat supper or lunch." Today was different. She came into our room, crawled into bed with us, and said, "Daddy, will you forgive me for all the ways I've offended you?"

We've taught her to do this every Sunday before church, but for her to do it, especially on the morning after a night when she had been particularly naughty and resistant to bed time was rewarding.

I don't believe that God racks us with guilt over and over until we finally say sorry. It feels that way sometimes, but the truth is, that he is more concerned with our wholeness, our healing than anything else. When I slow down and start to feel the manifold ways in which my wandering, my selfishness, my pride, my self-pity, my envy, etc. has wounded me, when I start to feel how dead I am without Christ, then I can realize through repentance what life is, what it is to truly live.

I'm not there yet. I still like to be right. I like to throw tantrums, I like to get angry and stay that way, 'cause "damn it, I deserve to be angry once in a while. It's my right."

"Wound our souls with your love," we say as we pray at the sixth hour, the hour that Christ was nailed to the cross. But I wonder if I really want this. If my heart were truly opened completely to the love of Christ, what great pain I would feel every moment of the day for having betrayed, ignored or just plain forgotten this love! Guilt doesn't even begin to explain it. It would be more like stubbing your own toe, or burning yourself on the stove, or slamming your own hand in a door over and over and over. If I have begun to become a "little Christ", then He is in me, His life is in me, He dwells in me.

"Heal my soul for I have sinned against you," it says in the Psalms. The love of the Holy Trinity, powerful, dynamic, unquenchable draws me back to myself where Christ dwells, where open arms await the repentant heart.

I forgave my daughter for all the ways that she's offended me. I must forgive everyone everything, all the time. God, help me. And forgive me for being impatient with my daughter this morning, for not listening to my wife on the phone as she reached out to me after a hard day, for forgetting to pray, to think of You. Guide me into repentance, into confession, that I may be opened, sensitized to your presence where there "is fullness of joy."

this moment

2011-08-12T08:14:00.001-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-08-08T13:57:00.000-05:00

Happy Monday! We (sans Papabear) just returned from a short little trip to Iowa to help my sister and brother-in-law move (there was no actual moving-in involved due to a late moving truck) into their new apartment! No links this week, I didn't have much access to the internet while we were gone. Here's what made me smile this week:

Playing at the sprayground...

Taking our wagon on it's first road trip...

Rest area picnics...

My sister...

The cute little town in which my sister & bro-in-law live...

The fact that they are only 5 hours away (!)...

Lu getting her third tooth...

Lu deciding to stand up on her own two feet (without assistance)...

Watching Z make memories with her Tia & Tio...

Spending so much time with Abita (short for Abuelita)...

What made you smile last week?

Mama's Milk

2011-08-06T22:49:00.003-05:00

“Blessed is the womb that bore you and the breasts at which you nursed.” –Luke 11:27

“Mother, remember the blink of an eye when I breathed through your body.” –Sam Beam

“Yet you are he who took me from the womb;
You made me trust you at my mother’s breast.” –Psalm 22:9

This month is breastfeeding awareness month. In honor of this month, I have purposed to write a tribute to the ladies in my life who have made this a priority in their lives.

First up is the Mother of God, the Virgin Mary, who nourished at her breast the Lord Jesus Christ. “All generations shall call me blessed”, she said, and so we do. What an example of selflessness, of dying to ourselves so that we may truly live. From the cross, Christ said to John “Here is your mother”, and so, in the deepest sense, she is the mother of all who believe, the mother of the Church. “A sword shall pierce through your soul”, it was said to her, and she was continually submissive to pain, to suffering. She conquered just as her son did, by lowering herself to the level of slave, of servant. What has all this to do with breastfeeding? Everything! This seemingly simple, natural, biological outpouring of a mother for her child is at once the essence and the image of what it means to be like God. We are all as humans meant to pour out ourselves for each other, to be united by our mutual submission to each other, to give each other 100% of who we are. The mother of God has given herself completely to God and in so doing has given herself completely to all. By her outpouring of milk, of her own life, she has nourished us all, given us life by bearing and breastfeeding Christ who “is all and is in all”. And so I honor her, the most blessed mother, who continually intercedes for us now filled with the love of the Holy Trinity.

Next, I’d like to write about my own mother. She breastfed me. She raised me with a deep regard for nature, for music, for people, for God. I know it was hard for her, but she poured herself out. I was the first of my siblings to be born at home. When I look back at the pictures from the day I was born, I can see exhaustion and satisfaction in my mother’s eyes. She took me to the breast that day and comforted me. How thankful I am for that fact, and how rarely I think of it. We all have been cared for by our parents in one way or another, to one degree or another, but to have spent those first hours of life, not in the nursery, not under a heat lamp, but in my mother’s arms, in my parents bed with yummy colostrum in my tummy, is a great blessing for which I rarely express gratitude. Those of us who have been breastfed from infancy often don’t realize what a great gift we’ve been given, especially in a society that disdains anything that keeps us from doing what we want. Thank you, Mom.

Last, but not least, I would like to praise my wife who has dutifully nursed our daughters for almost 24 months (not consecutively) so far. What a challenge! She has pressed on through discouragement. I’ve watched her feed our daughters during long trips in the back seat, watched her feed an infant who continually wakes up time-after-time when laid down for sleep. She rarely complains and makes me wish I had more to give to our girls. We both have set out to give our daughters the best start possible. Breastfeeding is such a huge part of that. The nutrition and the bonding, the comfort and the closeness are all so important for that first year or so of life. My wife is doing an amazing job, despite all the setbacks. It is my goal as a husband to encourage her as much as possible and this is one way of doing that. Keep it up, baby! You are amazing and I love you!

To all the breastfeeding mommies out there, God bless you! Don’t give up!

Surrender

2011-08-01T21:59:00.002-05:00

It's two in the morning. Lu's cries rouse me from my sleep. I mumble, "Lu's awake" to my husband, who grunts and rolls over. I get up and walk to the crib. We had been bed-sharing up until 9 months, but then Lu decided that she wanted to have a crawling party every night instead of sleep, so we began to sleep in separate rooms. I miss our bed-sharing time, but I also cherish these times in the night when she wakes. It wasn't always this way.

When we transitioned from bed-sharing to crib sleeping, I was riddled with guilt. Since we follow a lot of attachment parenting principles, bed-sharing was something I pictured us doing for a long time. It became clear to me, however, that I was not getting better sleep when Lu slept with us. In fact, I wasn't sleeping. At all. Papabear was sleeping, Lu was sleeping, but I wasn't. So we decided to try sleeping in our guest room to see how Lu did without us. She did wonderfully, waking only once a night, some nights sleeping till early morning.

I love breastfeeding. But the last couple of months during our bed-sharing period I began to resent breastfeeding. I was so frustrated with my lack of sleep that I couldn't treasure this relationship. Then we made the switch to crib sleeping. Lu would wake once or twice in the night and I was still resenting having to nurse her. We are against crying it out, so we decided to either nurse or rock Lu to sleep whenever she woke up. Most of the time, I have to nurse her to sleep. I found myself rushing during those night feedings. Trying to get her back into her crib as quickly as possible, even if she wasn't ready. She would fully wake up as soon as I laid her down, and the process would repeat over and over. I was not enjoying this at all.

Finally, I decided to surrender. I put out of my mind all expectations that I had, or I had heard, about how much sleep she should be getting, and let go. I made a conscious decision to take a deep breath every night before I walk in to nurse Lu back to sleep. To release all my expectations of the evening and just be. No matter the time of night.

That first night after my surrender was peaceful. Lu didn't even fully wake to eat. She nursed for a short time, then I laid her back down and knew that she felt safe and loved. I didn't look at the clock, I didn't rush. I enjoyed her.

Breastfeeding is full of surrender. Surrender to your little one's hunger and needs. Surrender to your little one's schedule (which is more often than not different than our own). Surrender to less sleep. Surrender to a messy house. Surrender to a quieter, slower pace of life.

I'm willing to surrender, because I've been through this before. I know that it's gone in the blink of an eye. I see Z, almost four, doing as much of life as she can by herself, because she's "bigger", and I remember the days when she was nursing contentedly at my breast. It went by so quickly.

And so for now, I will surrender.

photo by Z

***

I’m celebrating World Breastfeeding Week with Natural Parents Network!

You can, too — link up your breastfeeding posts from August 1-7 in the linky below, and enjoy reading, commenting on, and sharing the posts collected here and on Natural Parents Network.

(Visit NPN for the code to place on your blog.)

this moment

2011-07-29T08:40:00.001-05:00

Don't Worry

2011-07-28T21:08:00.000-05:00

It was just a simple cup of coffee. A latte, to be exact. But this simple beverage reminded me that God is faithful.

I left my house this morning with a lot on my mind. I have a final paper due on Friday morning. My daughters were sick this week and still don't seem to be totally over whatever it was they had. This last weekend was wonderful, full and left me longing for simpler times. Times when my husband and I could go out whenever we wanted and not have to worry about being home by midnight or how much money we were spending. My heart was heavy with many things as I walked out the door...but the many things could be boiled down to one specific burden: worry.

Life is hard right now. Money is tight, my husband's health isn't the best, my daughters are wonderful yet challenging. Life is also good. I have a loving husband who is continually patient with me, daughters who are joyful and sweet, and wonderful friends. And yet...my heart is full of worry.

Worry that we don't have enough money to pay our bills (in reality, we don't). Worry that I will do something to land my daughters in therapy when they are older (I probably will). Worry that my husband will grow tired of being patient with me. Worry that we won't make it through. Worry that even our basic needs for food, clothing and shelter won't be met. Worry that I will have to do this, life, all alone. Worry, worry, worry, worry.

I walked out my front door and went to our station wagon. Our new-to-us station wagon. One we could not afford on our own. One that was provided for us. One that was an answer to prayer. I was driving a physical reminder of God's faithfulness...and yet my heart was full of worry.

I arrived at the bookstore and set down my bag, filled with my laptop and school books. As I walked away I hoped that my bag would be there when I returned. I began to order an iced latte and reached for my wallet. The kind barista told me how much I owed. Then as I looked in my wallet I realized I did not have my debit card. In my haste I had forgotten my card at home. I did not have enough cash so I told the barista to forget it, that I left my card at home. She looked sympathetic and I apologized for being so scatterbrained.

I returned to my table and began to take out my laptop and books. I worried about how long it would take me to write this paper. I worried about my girls at home and hoped they were doing alright. I worried if I would have the energy I would need to last the day.

As I began to type my paper I noticed the barista walking towards me with a drink. She smiled and set the drink down on the table beside me. "I just made it for you anyway...it's such a bummer when you leave your card somewhere." I was speechless and for some reason I wanted to cry. "Thank you...that is really sweet" I managed to reply. She walked away and continued to work while I continued to type my paper. I'm not sure if she did or will ever know the effect this simple drink had on me.

Suddenly, I felt reassured that God is faithful, no matter the circumstance. Maybe it's silly that I felt that way after someone gave me a free latte. But I did. This simple act of kindness helped melt away my worries and made me feel like I would make it through.

I would like to say that I walked away from this experience ready to let go of all my worry and trust that God will provide for my every need. I didn't. I began to worry about as soon as I walked out to my car. But that's what prayer is for, right?

Orthodox Prayer In Time of Need

Almighty God, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, come to my help and deliver me from this difficulty that besets me. I believe Lord, that all trials of life are under Your care and that all things work for the good of those who love You. Take away from me fear, anxiety and distress. Help me to face and endure my difficulty with faith, courage and wisdom. Grant that this trial may bring me closer to You for You are my rock and refuge, my comfort and hope, my delight and joy. I trust in Your love and compassion. Blessed is Your name, Father, Son and Holy Spirit, now and forever. Amen.

...makes me smile

2011-07-25T22:28:00.000-05:00

Monday already? Did the weekend go by as quickly for you as it did for me?

Here's what made me smile last week:

This little rabbit...

Family movie night...

Spending time with lots of family...

This perpetual calendar...via (oh, hello friend)

Late night popcorn with my man...

Celebrating the Grandparent's (in-laws) 60th (yes, 60!) wedding anniversary...

This bedroom...(via Design Sponge)

This rainbow popsicle...

News about this upcoming book release...

The end of my first term back to school since Lu was born...

What made you smile last week?

this moment

2011-07-22T12:43:00.000-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-07-18T14:22:00.000-05:00

Hello friends! Here's what made me smile this last week:

Waking up to birthday greetings from my favorite people...
An ice cream date with my Z...
This baby/mama photo-shoot...(via The Feminist Breeder)
A birthday date with my man...
Market meals from Bread & Cup...
Birthday breakfast with my mom and sister...
This unique chore chart...
Cheap, real food meal plans...
My very own birthday song...
Feeling so very loved by friends and family...

Tell me...what made you smile last week?

Dear Mommy...It's Your Birthday

2011-07-16T07:16:00.001-05:00

Joe and Z recorded this (with the help of our friend, Travis, from Smith's Cloud) for me for my birthday. It may be the best present I have ever received.

Enjoy :)

this moment

2011-07-15T09:53:00.000-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-07-11T21:21:00.000-05:00

Hey friends! I know it's been a while, but I'm back with some things that made me smile these last couple weeks:

Cicadas...

4th of July hamburgers...

Singing in the church choir...

This new tumblr...(via CUP OF JO)

Mason jar sippy cups...(via Twig & Thistle)

This piano...

Test driving station wagons...

This baby turtle...(wish I would've thought of this for Lu!)

This vintage baby dress...

Watching Lu try to stand...

I want to know...what made you smile this week?

Charitable Consumerism

2011-07-05T22:48:00.001-05:00

You should watch this video:

and tell me what you think. Does this kind of charity make us lazy? Is it a little like putting a bandage on a wound that clearly needs stitches? Does real change happen by helping out a little?

p.s. My lovely sister sent me this video...so thought provoking!

Rest

2011-06-30T21:30:00.000-05:00

Sometimes, life forces you to slow down. I've been feeling the weight of our busyness for quite some time now. Papabear has been working so hard. I have been working, going to school and trying my hardest to keep a tidy house (ok, maybe not that hard). Our girls are growing, oh so quickly, and I find that I am failing to keep up with their pace. It feels as if every weekend is taken up by work or other family obligations. And all I want to do is sit and catch my breath.

Although this isn't the way I was looking for rest, I got it. Monday evening I missed a step while I was walking down the stairs. I was also holding Lu. I came down on my left foot, hard, and it bend backwards. Thankfully, Z was right behind me and she was able to retrieve the phone for me and I called Papabear. I somehow managed to get out "I...hurt....myself!" and he was on his way. He called our Priest who made it here first. Papabear misheard me on the phone and had informed our Priest that I hurt my mouth. I explained how I hurt my foot, then Papabear walked in. He looked extremely relieved to not see blood coming out of my mouth. I was trying to convince him to let me wait until the morning to get it checked out, but he was adamant about going somewhere right away. My brother came over to watch Z and we were off.

A little over two hours and a few x-rays later I was told I just sprained my foot. Let me tell you, friends, that a sprained foot is extremely painful. Both my mom and my MIL said it's too bad it didn't just break because it would heal faster that way. For now, I get to wear a cast shoe and rest as much as possible. As you can imagine, this can be difficult with two little ones. But our amazing family has stepped up and helped out a lot this week. I am so grateful to have them nearby.

These past few days there has been a lot of rest (for me) and lots of cuddling on the couch with Lu. While it's not the ideal situation, I'm grateful for the time I've had to slow down and rest.

this moment

2011-06-24T07:18:00.003-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-06-20T11:49:00.001-05:00

Happy Monday! Here's what made me smile last week:

Celebrating a friend's 30th birthday...

A long, relaxing bike ride...

Parking lot tacos...

This quilt...

Watching Lu snuggle her daddy in the middle of the night...

New Father's Day traditions...

This...

This brunch birthday party...

A month of Instax...

These crayons... (via Design Mom)

Have you seen anything lately that made you smile? Contact me with a link! If it makes me smile too then I'll add it to my list the following week.

Father's Day

2011-06-18T12:22:00.000-05:00

Father's day has always been a little hard for me. I had some great father-figures growing up (Uncles, you are amazing) but it's strange celebrating a holiday for a person who is completely absent in your life. Truthfully, Father's Day was the one holiday I found myself dreading year after year. It served as a painful reminder of what I was missing in my life.

Now that I am married and my husband is a father, I can look at this holiday in a different light. I am incredibly blessed to have a husband who is caring, attentive, selfless and loving. He is everything I never thought existed in a man. To watch him father our girls is an honor. He is very much a co-parent with me and I know I couldn't do this parenting thing without him. I am blessed to know that my girls will grow up knowing their father loves them, that any doubt of that fact will not be present in their minds.

Tomorrow we have a few things planned, but mostly we are going to spend a lovely, relaxing day with our favorite Papabear.

Enjoy Father's day and give that father, uncle or future father a big hug for me.

this moment

2011-06-17T10:47:00.001-05:00

We're Off!

2011-06-09T09:05:00.000-05:00

We're off on our second road trip of the summer! We'll be celebrating a family wedding. Hope you all have a fabulous weekend and I'll be back in this space next week. Look forward to some activity bag posts and a giveaway (hopefully in the near future!)

...makes me smile

2011-06-06T12:31:00.000-05:00

Monday already?! Here's what made me smile last week:

Digging in the garden...

Spending so much time outdoors...

This tree stump...

Sunday lunch with my family...

This stamp set...(via Angry Chicken)

My 8 month old's love of green beans...

This party idea...

This dog...(I'm not sure why...but this dog kind of reminds me of Lu!)

This family photo...

Sleeping in on Saturdays...

See anything that makes you smile? Contact me with a link!

this moment

2011-06-03T11:00:00.000-05:00

Activity Bags

2011-06-01T23:04:00.002-05:00

We recently traveled to Jackson, Tennessee to watch my little sister graduate from college (so proud of you seestor!) The trip is a little over 10 hours from Nebraska. Since we have two little ones (one of which is still breastfeeding like a champ) we decided to break the drive up into two days.

I wasn't really worried about how Lu would do on the trip. She's such an easy baby and pretty much just needs a smile and some "mommy milk" to keep her happy. Z, however, would be a challenge. We had a few people offer to loan us a car DVD player. Both Papa and I were really against the idea of letting her watch T.V. in the car, especially because it's so stimulating for her. Can you imagine spending 10+ hours in a car with an energized and agitated 3 year old?! We certainly didn't want to. So we had to come up with something different.

That's when I discovered activity bags. Hallelujah!

The concept for activity bags is pretty simple...one self-contained activity per bag. But the possibilities are endless. This post was VERY inspiring. I ended up using a lot of the links found there. I decided to make 20 activity bags for the car. I wanted to have one bag for every hour we would be on the road. I knew that some of the activities wouldn't fill an entire hour, but I thought 20 was a good goal.

I decided to tell my daughter about the bags, but not share what they contained. This made the bags a little more special and helped her become excited about them. The minute we were in the car she wanted her first bag. She played with it for a while, then asked for another, then another, then another. I got nervous, seeing her go through so many bags in such a short amount of time. I started to panic a little, thinking, "I should've made 50! What was I thinking?! 20 isn't enough!" And then, she slowed down. She asked for specific bags and played with some activities more than once, sometimes three or four times. I breathed a sigh of relief and smiled, knowing that the bags were a hit. My husband surprisingly remarked, "She hasn't said she's bored ONCE on this trip". I was so pleased.

I'll do a couple of posts in the coming days detailing what went into each bag and where I purchased/found materials for the activities! I'll also share what worked, what didn't and what I'll be adding for our next road trip.

Early Mama

2011-05-31T09:14:00.000-05:00

Photo by Natanael Perez Studio

I'm the featured Q&A over at Early Mama today! So head over there and check it out, then stay for awhile. Early Mama is a great blog and tackles the issues that surround us young mothers.

...makes me smile

2011-05-30T07:26:00.001-05:00

Happy Memorial Day! Here's what made me smile last week:

Tennessee...(I'll be posting about our trip later this week)

Camping...

Anniversary cupcakes...(from this cupcake shop)

This DIY tent...

This hand carved stamp...

Watching my little sister graduate...

Spending so much precious time with my family...

Pinterest...(seriously, I may spend way too much time on here!)

My lovely friend KB's new-to-her bike...

Watching my daughter enjoy digging in the dirt as much as we do...

See anything lately that makes you smile? Contact me, and if it makes me smile too I could feature it the following week!

Sick and Tired (Part 2): Are You Gonna Eat That?

2011-05-29T22:49:00.000-05:00

Papa here again. This post is about how I have changed my diet as part of my manifold plan for getting better. The whole plan takes into account my dietary, spiritual, social, physical and psychological needs.

Firstly, I have changed what I eat drastically. I have cut out pretty much all sugar, alcohol and caffeine. Sugar has been the hardest to do. Slightly because I have a sweet tooth, and partly because they put it in almost everything these days: bread, yogurt, ketchup, mayonnaise, salad dressing, most sauces and salsas. I have also cut down significantly on the amount of fruit I eat. I used to get 3-5 servings of fruit and like 1-2 servings of veggies. I have flipped that on its head. Also, I’ve cut down on carbohydrates in general. Only a couple servings of bread, rice and grains a day is all I need. This is always paired with something that is high in fat such as oil, butter, peanut butter, or, my new favorite, coconut oil.

Cutting out alcohol has been hard also. I enjoyed having a glass or two of wine with a nice meal or going out for a couple beers and pizza with a friend. I still crave a delicious dark beer from time to time. I don't miss it nearly as much as I thought I would, though.

Caffeine, mostly coffee, was the primary thing that triggered my heart palpitations and panic attacks. I think this is because of how it stimulates and depletes the adrenals and can cause blood sugar distortion. Anyway, I still take a sip of my wife’s coffee every now and then and remember the good old days of drinking two or three cups without breaking a sweat. Maybe decaf one day?

So that covers what foods I'm avoiding but what do I eat? I have lots of vegetables. We go organic and local as much as possible. Lots of spinach, carrots, celery, peas, kale, and green beans. I also have a lot of protein. Lean free range animal protein is the best for me. Fish is probably better, but I usually eat a lot of chicken, beef, turkey, and eggs. I’m supposed to have about half a pound of this kind of protein every day. I eat a lot of high fat and fermented dairy products: whole milk, cheese, and yogurt. I think we're getting ready to go raw, maybe goat, with the dairy. I eat berries as my fruit and sometimes an apple with peanut butter.

The frequency with which I eat is another thing I’ve had to adjust. I eat almost every hour. Usually I’ll rotate meal-snack-meal-snack in these hours. This helps to even out my blood sugar, which is a must if I’m ever going to get better.

I am also taking supplements. The ones I take are bovine (cow) and porcine (pig) extracts of the adrenal gland, hypothalamus, and pituitary gland. These are all to help repair their corresponding parts. I also take licorice extract (and now ginseng) which both help to give me a little more energy without being stimulants and going to town on the adrenals. I also take a product that contains Quercetin, Bromelain, Nettle and Vitamin C to help with allergies and immunity defense, a couple different kinds of vitamin B (to help absorb the protein and reduce stress), Vitamins A and D, and a probiotic. All that with a cherry on top is what I invite to the party in my tummy.

I give myself one day a week to cheat. Sometimes I have fried food with a load of toxins, or help my wife finish a beer, or take a bite of cake, or have late night pizza with cinnamon spirazzi. I usually pay for it in the morning, though, especially if I have alcohol and sugar together. This is a big no-no. I’ve been finding that I have more energy lately, and am pretty sure that when and if I ever emerge from this funk I will be a happier, healthier person.

I'll write more about my plot to overturn the sleepiness regime on the next post.

this moment

2011-05-27T10:32:00.000-05:00

Cinco

2011-05-20T08:08:00.001-05:00

photo by Sarah Pfeiffer

Happy five years, my love.

The family quilt

2011-05-16T22:14:00.000-05:00

My lovely sister-in-law (the best SIL a girl could ask for) recently gave us a quilt that she made.

And it is beautiful.

Seriously.

The fabric, the colors, the patterns...I just love it.

This quilt is going to get a lot of use.

Here's to summer picnics, naps in the grass, and all the other lovely things we may do with our new family quilt.

...makes me smile

2011-05-16T10:29:00.000-05:00

Hello friends! Here is what made me smile last week:

The fox above...(via Handmade Charlotte)

The smell of fresh cut grass...

Green beans from the farmer's market...

This pillow... (via Smile and Wave)

Sleeping in on Sunday morning...

Preparing for a big trip...

These paperless invites...(via Babble)

Handmade lavender soap...

These flower girl leaves...(via A Beautiful Mess)

Seeing my husband and baby cuddling together in the morning...

Have you seen anything that makes you smile? Contact me! If it makes me smile too, I could feature it the following week!

this moment

2011-05-13T12:43:00.000-05:00

Cheap, cheap, cheap!

2011-05-10T10:03:00.000-05:00

As my husband wrote, he has been suffering from adrenal fatigue. One of the ways that we are attacking this illness is through diet. We ate fairly healthy food before this, but we've become even more radical. We buy organic as much as possible. We eat only free-range, grass fed meat. Lots of fresh fruits and veggies, little-to-no processed foods. This has made our grocery budget almost double. Since we are trying to save as much money as we can so that we can be debt-free, we decided that we would simply have to cut back in other areas. My husband's health is too important to me so we are making it a priority to eat well and buy good food. Unfortunately, you don't find coupons for organic veggies and fruit, so we really can't save that way. Therefore, we are trying to spend less money on other things.

One of the areas in which we are cutting back is cleaning supplies and products. We've been using vinegar as a natural cleaner for a while now. Recently, we made our own laundry detergent....and it was really easy, and REALLY cheap.

We followed this recipe (found through Amy's blog). I found a lot of different recipes online, but this one seemed to be the easiest, plus used cleaner ingredients. The only change we made was using Dr. Bronner's soap, instead of Kirk's. Amy did the math on her blog, and it comes out to be about .07 cents per load! So cheap! That was with Kirk's, instead of Dr. Bronner's, but I added a couple more dollars for the difference and it's still only .09 cents per load. Not bad, compared to the detergent we were using before.

The detergent has been working very well. There aren't any suds when you put it into the washer, so that freaked me out at first, but so far everything has come out clean! Z has very sensitive skin and we have always had to wash her clothes in a free & clear detergent. She hasn't had any problems with this detergent.

We have also been using this on our cloth diapers. We previously had been using Rockin' Green, which is about .35 cents per load. I did a little research online to see if homemade detergent would be ok with cloth diapers. I found that most of the trouble came with diapers that were made with materials other than cotton. Since all of our diapers are cotton because of sensitive skin issues, we decided to try it out. We discovered that we needed to cut the amount in half, so we only use 1 tablespoon per load instead of 2. Also, we add about a 1/2 cup of vinegar to the final rinse. It's been working great!

This detergent will also work as an all-purpose cleanser. You can use it to clean your sink, toliet, tub, etc. Like I said before, I usually use vinegar. However, if I need a little more cleaning power, this detergent does the trick.

Cheap, easy and effective!

this moment

2011-05-06T10:54:00.000-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-05-02T07:26:00.003-05:00

Hello friends! Here's what made me smile this last week:

This pothole art...(via Design Milk)

Hanging diapers on the clothesline...

More and more time outside...

This record player invitation...(via Craft Gawker)

Both of my girls napping at the same time...

This puzzle...

The Lorax...(via Craft Gawker)

These flashcards...(via ISLY)

Spending time with extended family...

My daughter's generosity...

See anything that makes you smile? Contact me! I could feature your link if it makes me smile too!

this moment

2011-04-29T07:16:00.005-05:00

...makes me smile

2011-04-25T07:16:00.003-05:00

Happy Bright Week friends!

Here are a few things that made me smile last week:

This bed (!)....such a creative co-sleeping arrangement (via Peaceful Parenting)

These coloring books....they are so creative (via Design Mom)

This paper city...great for those spring rainy days

Our Pascha feast...

Driving home from Pascha at 4am...

Sleeping in till almost 10 am...

Pretty much everything in this shop...

This blog...I wish I had this resource when I had Z!

This skirt...(though it is more than I would spend for my daughter's clothing!)

Trader Joe's milk chocolate malted eggs...

Anything make you smile this last week? Send me a link and I could feature it next week!

Sick and Tired (Pt. 1)

2011-04-24T15:38:00.004-05:00

So, I haven't written in quite some time, at least not for the blog. I've been in extreme fatigue and survival mode for a while. I may have mentioned my illness in recent posts. It's called adrenal fatigue. I hate talking and thinking about it so much, but right now I just am anxious about getting better. I've felt this way for 9 months or so. I hate it when people complain about being sick, so that's probably why I haven't posted in a while. This sickness weighs heavily on my mind and how to get better even more so.

I've seen my doctor about it on several occasions and been to an endocrinologist. Neither one has offered me an explanation for the tiredness. The original reason I went in was due to heart palpitations (tachycardia), but now that I've figured out what is triggering those, I'm dealing with an extremely low energy supply, and more specifically, low morning cortisol levels.

I say all this as a sort of excuse for my absence. I've been resting, or, more appropriately, recuperating. My body is renewing itself by the grace of God, but very slowly. This is my introduction to the series I will be doing on being sick and how I'm dealing with it (and not dealing with it), how I'm getting better (and not getting better). I intend to go deep on this one. I am usually a very high energy person, so this has been hard. Sitting and writing about this is helping me to process it all. Anyway, consider this part one of Sick and Tired.

Anticipate

2011-04-22T15:11:00.003-05:00

"Mommy, is it Pascha yet? Is that bird ALIVE?!"

Z has been asking this question daily. Multiple times a day. Ever since Great Lent began, she has been anticipating, with great joy, the day that we celebrate the Resurrection. We haven't had to do too much explaining about why exactly Christ's Resurrection is so important, so vital to our faith. She gets it.

Awhile back, before Lent, we found a dead bird in our back porch. She was concerned about the bird and very sad when we shared that the bird was in fact dead, and not sleeping. We took this opportunity to explain that when Jesus rose from the dead, he defeated death. And when He returns, He will redeem ALL of creation. This didn't seem to make much of an effect on her sadness, but we didn't push it. To truly love and understand life, we must understand the reality of death.

Then Lent began. And she began talking more and more about Jesus rising from death. She walked around the house singing softly, "Christ is risen from the dead, trampling down death by death, and upon those in the tombs bestowing life!" She would tell people about Pascha and how excited she was to celebrate. She would unabashedly proclaim"Did you know, all things are alive in Christ?!" during snack time when we weren't even discussing the subject.

Like I said, we haven't pounded this into her. She has soaked it in during Liturgy. She has seen the hope in the scripture readings and prayers. She has grasped the reality of the Resurrection. The truth of the Resurrection is real and tangible, right now. So whenever she talks about Pascha, she asks about the bird. She believes, with her whole heart, that Christ defeated death, once and for all.

Her faith and fervor are inspiring. This is one of the many moments in parenting in which I realize our roles have been reversed. She is the teacher, I am the student and I have so much to learn.

Milk toof

2011-04-20T14:55:00.001-05:00


my milk toof

Lu has her first tooth! It came in yesterday, and it looks as if her second tooth will not be far behind it. She appears to be doing everything just a little sooner than Z did. Crawling earlier, getting teeth earlier. She's determined to catch up to her big sister as quickly as she can....I just wish she would slow down a little bit.

...makes me smile

2011-04-18T10:25:00.002-05:00

Happy Monday! Here's what made me smile this past week:

This necklace....wouldn't it make a lovely mother's day gift?
Popsicle molds....I think we'll need these for summer!
Peeps...(via Ohdeedoh)
This soap...the scent is just wonderful.
This meal planner...it would be a lovely wedding present.
Dinner with friends...
This set...it would be perfect for a road trip.
Tulips everywhere I look...
Sunday afternoon nap time...
This dress...

See anything that makes you smile? If you have, email me a link along with a link to your blog, and I might feature it on the following week!

To be beautiful

2011-04-15T21:09:00.005-05:00

She watches me as I straighten my hair with the straightening iron. The she asks, "What is that? What does it do?" I tell her that it helps my hair look nice. Then she asks, "Can you straighten my hair too?" "No," I reply, "you're hair is beautiful, you don't need it". "But I want it...just straight my hair please..." To appease her curiosity I run the hot iron through two chunks of hair. She beams and asks how her hair looks. I tell her, "It's beautiful, it was beautiful without the straightener". She insists it looks better now. She watches as I continue my ~~morning routine~~ routine for going outside of the house. Hair, makeup, brushing teeth. I grab my eyelash curler and squeeze my eyelashes in hopes that it will make me look a little more presentable. She asks what I'm using and I explain "It's an eyelash curler...it helps mommy look more....it helps me look more awake". I wanted to say, "It helps me look more beautiful" but I immediately stopped myself. While that is how I feel, I don't want my 3 1/2 year old to equate beauty with an eyelash curler.

I consider myself pretty low maintenance. I don't shower everyday. For makeup my minimum is concealer and powder, my maximum is eyeshadow and mascara. Maybe, just maybe, a little lipstick on date night. Some days I'll do my hair, most days I won't. Even though I don't feel the need to be all dolled up everyday, I still feel the pressure to look a certain way. We all know what that way is...flawless skin, tiny waist, tight abs, sparkling white teeth, long & lean legs, etc. In short, everything I'm not. My Guatemalan genes decided long ago how tall (or not tall) I would be. They decided I would never look like a runway model. I know that. So why am I frustrated when I look in the mirror?

The pressure to look a certain way is strong in our society. I don't own a television, yet I feel it. I see the airbrushed perfection on magazine covers while I'm grocery shopping and cringe at my meager appearance in comparison. I know that the cover is airbrushed. That doesn't help. I can rationalize all I want....I am still unsatisfied with my appearance more often than I am content.

I'm trying to figure out that balance. Where I'm not so focused on my appearance that it's distracting, but I still care enough to look nice. How much is too much? How little is too little? How will the way I approach physical beauty and appearance effect the way my daughters feel about themselves?

I want to save them from the obsessive focus on your body's flaws with which I was plagued in middle/high school. I know that this means I must be extremely mindful of how I look at myself in the mirror when they are present, and even when they are not. They must see in me that beauty does not come in a mineral foundation or a new dress. While those things can help boost your confidence, they must place their worth in something more permanent, more eternal.

That is a tall order to fill, and I'm not sure that I'm up for the job. I am worried that my example will not be strong enough to outweigh the assaults the media will lob at my daughters. I know that a campaign like Dove's Campaign for Real Beauty is taking steps in the right direction. But, they are still trying to sell you something. I don't want my girls to buy into the thought that they must purchase items in order to be beautiful.

Ultimately, we all know that outer beauty fades. I want my girls to be beautiful, I want to be beautiful, when physical appearance wastes away. My friend posted this video on her blog awhile back. It conveys what I want to teach my girls, what I want to feel myself. Watch it.

p.s. there is one f-word in this video....you have been forewarned.

this moment

2011-04-15T07:06:00.001-05:00

Compassionate Advocacy

2011-04-12T12:32:00.002-05:00

Code Name: Mama is hosting their Carnival of Natural Parenting today! The theme this month is compassionate advocacy. Lots of different bloggers have written about how they advocate for natural parenting choices without judgement or criticism. Subjects range from birth to gentle discipline. I haven't read through all the participant's entries yet, but I am looking forward to having a little bit of down time this afternoon and browsing through the posts! I could definitely use some suggestions on this subject. Sometimes I feel like I can be so passionate about our parenting choices that it can come across as harsh or judgmental to others who do not choose to parent the same way. So, if you consider yourself a natural parent, and even if you don't, you may enjoy reading these posts too!

...makes me smile

2011-04-11T11:05:00.001-05:00


photo by Z

*these simple yet beautiful baby announcements (via You are My Fave)
*these garden tools which would be perfect for my Z
*spending so much time outside
*how the house breathes with the windows open
*these paper dolls
*this piece of advice followed by this. it's all about balance :)
*this yummy homespun wool
*garden planning
*this song
*how this book is gently helping my baby sleep longer at night

The weekend

2011-04-09T15:12:00.001-05:00

The makings of a perfect Saturday afternoon

Happy Saturday, friends.

this moment

2011-04-08T07:06:00.002-05:00

The day you were born

2011-04-07T07:00:00.008-05:00


photo by Natanael Perez

It's this guy's birthday today.
This guy, who hardly ever takes a serious picture,
who makes me laugh multiple times a day,
and gives the best hugs in the world.
Happy birthday, Papa Bear.
I'm really glad you were born.

this moment

2011-04-01T10:17:00.000-05:00

Inspired by Soulemama:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

The do's & don'ts of sick days

2011-03-29T17:14:00.000-05:00

Both of the girls have come down with some snotty, slimy, coughy sickness at the same time. Poor things. So far Joe & I haven't caught it. I'm discovering what works on days like this...days when I end up wearing the same clothes I wore the day before, where both girls are extremely needy (and rightfully so!) and where I am feeling stretched to my limits.

Do have a steady supply of liquids available at all times. For Lu this means that she has an all access pass to my breast (not that I ever deny her!). Z gets OJ, tea and water. She requested raspberry tea today and we also have chamomile. I put honey and a squirt of lemon in her tea to help her itchy throat.

Do read as often as possible. This satisfies and comforts both of my girls. Z gets extra snuggles, which she needs more when she is sick. Lu gets to look at pictures and laugh at the silly voices I make up for the characters.

Don't let my daughters watch T.V. I know this is a standard for most people's sick days. However, we have decided not to let Lu watch anything until she is at least 2 years old. For Z, T.V. is just too stimulating. It doesn't allow her to get the rest that she needs and it makes her very cranky and irritable.

Do rely on audio books when my voice gets too sore from all the extra books I'm reading aloud. We like to listen online here and here. Also, I will let Z watch a few readings from here (Sidenote...Mrs. P is really funny! I think Joe and I enjoy her more than Z!)

Don't worry about the breakfast dishes that are still on the table at 3 in the afternoon or the toys that are scattered all over the floor.

Don't deny any requests for food. Z has pretty much lost her appetite right now. So when she does ask for food, even if it's not a regular meal or snack time, I give it to her. Whatever she wants. Thankfully we don't keep too much junk food in the house, so that's not an option for her. Today it's been pretty much applesauce and toast.

Do wear my baby as much as possible. This is a necessity for Lu who refuses to nap longer than 30 minutes anywhere other than my arms. It also allows me to meet Z's needs while still comforting my sniffly 6 month old.

Don't forget to eat and drink plenty of fluids myself. This is especially important with all of Lu's extra feedings.

Don't hesitate to let Z sit in the tub and play for as long as she desires, even when her toes are wrinkled past the point of recognition.

Do have a lot of quiet activities to occupy Z. She is the type of girl that doesn't enjoy just laying around, even if she's sick. We do lots of coloring, lots of puzzles, lots of sticker books.

Do use those extra feedings to relax. Instead of thinking to myself "Oh my word...you just ate 15 minutes ago!" I put up my feet and leave Z with an audio story while I read and let my little one nurse away.

What about you? What are your sick day activities?

...makes me smile...

2011-03-28T13:28:00.001-05:00

On Mondays I'm going to be posting about things that make me smile. They could be moments from my week or books or things I see on other blogs. Hopefully they will make you smile too :)

*these wooden sorting bowls from The Enchanted Cupboard & all the little things that go with them

*this book which is a novelization of an old favorite

*hints of spring all around

*the fact that this was attempted

*these lovely paper covered books from Paislee Press (via Twig & Thistle)

*this series which we read or listen to here practically everyday

*receiving flowers from my love

*early morning snuggles with my Lu after a long stretch of sleep

*yummy treats in jars

*this woodsy party (which I'm inclined to steal for the girls' party in the fall!)

Easter Basket Alternatives

2011-03-27T14:38:00.001-05:00

flickr

There's a great post over at Code Name: Mama for those of you who would like to give your children (or grandchildren!) Easter baskets, but want to avoid the standard sugar filled processed treats that go into them. There's also alternatives for plastic eggs and grass! I can't wait to make some of these things for my daughter's baskets this year...like the adorable bunny finger puppets from the Purl Bee!

this moment

2011-03-25T09:46:00.000-05:00

Inspired by SouleMama:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week.

p.s. this photo is from a couple of weeks ago...i just didn't get any pictures taken this week :)

We had a home birth (and you can too!) Part 1

2011-03-22T22:06:00.002-05:00

*This will be the first in a series of posts about our birth choices*

If you know me in person you have more than likely heard me gush about our recent home birth. It's hard for me to not talk about how amazing the birth was and it's even harder for me to not shout to every pregnant woman I see "YOU SHOULD HAVE A HOME BIRTH! OUR BODIES WERE MADE FOR THIS!!"

Ahem.

I really detest the word "should" when it comes to parenting advice. "You should just let her cry it out....." or "You should just spank her..." has been uttered to me many a time by people meaning well. However, to me, the word should sounds like "I know better than you do and you should listen to me...."

So, I won't use the 's' word. Instead, I will simply share with you what brought us to the decision to have Lucia (and any other future children) at home. Maybe you'll read something that makes you think. Maybe you'll just read an interesting story. Maybe one day you'll have a home birth.

20ish weeks pregnant with Azalia

I used to think of home birth as something for natural birth extremists or hippies. Not for me. No thank you. I want a natural, drug-free birth, but in the safety and security of a hospital with emergency personnel standing by, please.

Then I gave birth to my first daughter, Azalia. We had been planning and preparing for a drug-free birth the whole pregnancy. We told almost everyone we knew about this decision. And almost every single person told us, "Oh...just you wait" or "You're probably going to want that epidural at some point..." and even "Are you crazy?! Do you just love pain?" We chose to go to a midwife for the prenatal care because we knew that midwives were low-intervention and very woman-centered. We read this book and practiced all the relaxation exercises the last few months of the pregnancy. We took a Lamaze class from the hospital in which our baby would be born so we would be familiar with the procedures there. We typed up a birth plan that included "Our desire is to birth our baby drug-free" and "I would prefer to tear naturally and do not consent to an episiotomy". We were prepared.

Then the day came. Sometime soon I will type up Azalia's birth story. But for now, know that it did not go as we hoped and I was very close to a c-section because of a spiral of interventions. We did achieve the drug-free birth for which we worked so hard. I was feeling the natural birth high, but because many things happened that were out of my control, I looked back on that birth experience with a little bit of disappointment. (I really, really dislike when mothers express the slightest disappointment with their birth experience and are met with "Oh, but you had a healthy baby, that's all that matters". No, you are invalidating that mother's experience when you tell her that.)

We did it! We had a natural birth!

A couple years after Azalia's birth we were thinking about trying for another baby. We also watched this movie. I was doing a lot of reflection on my first birth experience as we prepared for our second child. And I realized that the kind of birth that we were wanting and hoping for was not going to be in a hospital. It would be in our home.

I began reading birth stories online about women giving birth at home. I could feel how empowered they felt, I could see the strength in their stories. I knew what natural birth felt like....I wanted to know what it was like to give birth to my baby in our home. I didn't want to worry about labor slowing down or stopping when I was transported to the hospital. I didn't want the pressure of an epidural. I didn't want a doctor (yes, the backup doctor attended Z's birth) telling me to lay on my back and cutting me without consent. I wanted to walk around my own home and smell my things and eat whenever I wanted. I wanted to cuddle up with my little one and my husband in our own bed. I wanted to feel safe.

Then, we had our miscarriage. Losing Seraphim made me even more convinced about home birth. I wasn't sure if we were going to have another baby, but if we did, I wanted that baby born at home.

After the miscarriage, Joe and I discussed home birth. He was actually born at home! I assumed he would be 100% for home birth, especially since he knew we could birth naturally. I was wrong. He was hesitant. We decided to talk with some more people, I gave him some things to read. I really wanted a home birth, but I knew I would not be able to do it without his support. This birth was as much his as it was mine. I needed him to be just as passionate about it as I was. So I prayed and I waited.

this moment

2011-03-18T10:26:00.000-05:00

Inspired by SouleMama:

{this moment} - A Friday ritual. A single photo - no words - capturing a moment from the week. A simple, special, extraordinary moment. A moment I want to pause, savor and remember. If you're inspired to do the same, leave a link to your 'moment' in the comments for all to find and see.

Crawl your little heart out

2011-03-17T21:35:00.000-05:00

You are almost 6 months old. You have begun to army crawl all over the place. Whenever you see open spaces you kick your legs and beg with every bone in your body to be placed on the floor so you can move. You watch your sister's every move and I can see the longing in your eyes to do what she does. Walk like her, talk like her, dance like her. There is such determination in your crawl. A focus that is beyond your age.

As I watch you watch your older sister, I imagine all the trouble you will get into together. I imagine you arguing with us about how it's not fair that you sister can wear makeup (or drive or stay up late) and you can't. This may be a far leap from crawling....but it's coming.

Oh, is it coming.

For now, I will delight in your newly discovered ability to move yourself from one side of the room to the other. I'll worry about tomorrow later.

...what next?

2011-03-14T16:57:00.002-05:00

(Digital Globe)

We keep asking why, but we don't need to know why something happened; we can't use that knowledge to go back in time and stop it. And the terrifying truth is that we can't gather enough clues to know how to prevent it happening the next time...The only useful question in such a time is not "Why?" but "What next?" What should I do next? What should be my response to this ugly event? How can I bring the best out of it? How can God bring Resurrection out of it?

~from At the Corner of East and Now

by Frederica Mathewes-Green

Ways to Give:
International Orthodox Christian Charities
World Vision
American Red Cross
Global Giving

peaceful parenting: Human Milk 4 Human Babies After Japan Tsunami

2011-03-12T10:07:00.000-06:00

If you are thinking of donating formula to help the babies of Japan...PLEASE read this first!

peaceful parenting: Human Milk 4 Human Babies After Japan Tsunami: "We at peaceful parenting, along with the Human Milk 4 Human Babies Global Network, express our sincere condolences to the people of Japan...."

Lord Have Mercy

2011-03-11T11:55:00.000-06:00

My heart goes out to all those affected by the earthquake in Japan. My prayers are with you.

Hear my prayer, O Lord, for thou art merciful and compassionate, and lovest mankind, and to thee are due all glory, honor, and worship: to the Father and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit: now and ever, and unto ages of ages. Amen.

this moment

2011-03-04T08:41:00.000-06:00

Who Needs Fisher Price When You Have Lima Beans?

2011-03-03T21:24:00.001-06:00

This might be a no-brainer to all you seasoned mothers out there...but the best toys aren't really toys at all.

1 bag of lima beans + 1/2 bag of black beans + 3/4 bag of pinto beans + a couple glass dishes + measuring cups & spoons = 2+ days of non-stop fun for Z

She seriously has not grown tired of the beans. I got the idea from this incredibly eye-opening book called Raising Your Spirited Child. This book is blowing my mind. But that's another post. In the book she recommends lots of sensory activities for your spirited child. I had no idea it would be such a success!

I have to say that we try not to spend a lot of money on toys. We prefer wooden, all-natural toys (once again, another post) which are typically more expensive, so we don't have a lot. One of our desires for all the toys our girls have is that they be open-ended. This definitely fits the bill....and it hardly cost a thing.

I actually had to pull her away from the beans several times yesterday. She has not grown tired of emptying and filling. Last night her play took a different turn when we carried the bean tray into the living room. All of a sudden she was making smoothies, cream of wheat and ice cream all available for purchase...with beans.

And Ain't I a Woman?

2011-02-28T20:01:00.001-06:00

Last night I took part in a Black History celebration for my job. I work for a non-profit organization called City Impact with their teen Leadership Academy. The celebration was wonderful and I found myself incredibly proud and privileged to be a involved with such an amazing group of teens.

One part of the evening was a presentation of famous speeches by the Speaking Team. The first speech was read by a young girl whom I have known for quite some time. It was a historic speech by Sojournor Truth called "Ain't I a Woman?" What stood out to me about this speech was not necessarily the words. I had read the speech before. It was what happened to the person delivering the speech. As she began, she was quiet, barely audible. But as she continued to read, you could see her posture improve and hear her voice get louder. It was beautiful. Almost as if the power of those words, "Ain't I a woman?" gave her more and more confidence with each utterance.

So in honor of Black History Month I'm going to post a link to the the speech here. If you haven't read it before, please take the time to read it now. It was powerful when it was first heard in 1851. And its power is still evident today.

Ain't I a Woman?

this moment

2011-02-25T10:34:00.000-06:00

Can't Have One Without the Other

2011-02-23T20:59:00.001-06:00

It's nearly impossible to take a picture of Lucia without Azalia sneaking in. As soon as that camera starts clicking, Z jumps right in and asks me to take multiple pictures, then requests to see the results. Even if she isn't taking up the majority of the frame, she sneaks in somehow. A hand, a foot, one of her toy trucks...

Lucia absolutely loves this, of course. Her sister can pretty much do anything to make her laugh. It's incredible to watch their relationship develop. Z can be so sweet to her little sister. She can also be a terror. Lu giggles and smiles adoringly at Z most of the time. Sometimes, she accidentally whacks Z or pulls her hair and Z immediately takes offense.

Ah, Sisters.

Our Daily Bread

2011-02-21T10:06:00.000-06:00

(picture from 101 Cookbooks)

As part of our attempt to eliminate processed foods from our home, we are going to start baking our own bread. We did this for awhile, before Lu was born. But convenience foods are, well, convenient. And after a baby is born it's all about convenience.

Anyways, Joe has been cutting a lot of things from his diet due to his adrenal fatigue. Sugar and gluten are on that list and those are in pretty much all store-bought breads. Also, we go through A LOT of bread in this house. We are trying to find ways to save money and this could help!

So, what are your favorite bread recipes? We are looking for low or no sugar and whole wheat bread. Also, if you have any gluten-free bread recipes we would love to try one!

this moment

2011-02-18T09:01:00.000-06:00

Little Bird Fly Through My Window

2011-02-17T13:52:00.004-06:00

We love music in this house. Z has some favorite's, which are luckily some of my favorites too. Those include mewithoutYou, Danielson, She & Him and Rosie Thomas. Most of the time the music we listen to is appropriate for her to listen to as well. But lately, we've been more aware of the words of some of our favorite bands and realizing that maybe we need to have some good kid's music around too. However, I've found that it's difficult to find kid's music that doesn't want to make me gouge my eyes out. (Too dramatic?)

Raffi gets played a lot, but I can only take him for so long. Seriously, listen to "Bananaphone" on repeat for 3 days in a row. Then you will know what I mean. The other day we were listening to Raffi on Pandora when I re-discovered another children's artist that is quickly becoming a favorite.

I first discovered Elizabeth Mitchell through my cousin Melissa's blog. I remember hearing her music and thinking, "I would listen to this even if I didn't have kids". However, that thought got lost in my pregnancy fog and I didn't think of her again. Then "Little Bird" came on Padora and I remembered how much I like Elizabeth Mitchell. We've listened to the album through and through and I am in love. This is kid's music that you AND your little ones will enjoy together.

P.S. The artwork on that album is done by one of my favorites...Ida Pearle!

Love, Love, Love

2011-02-14T13:17:00.000-06:00

Remember this post a few weeks ago?

Well, look at what was on the front porch waiting for me this morning....

And because I have a little obsession with all things little, I wanted to show you the actual size of this little bag (I can't get over how cute it is!)....

And it's the free gift that keeps on giving....

How fun is that?!

Happy Valentine's Day! I hope that you are loved, today and everyday!

Satur-date!

2011-02-12T13:00:00.000-06:00

Last week Joe and I went on a date. It had been almost 2 months since we had an out-of-the-house-get-a-babysitter date. Seriously. This date was very, very needed.

It was wonderful, relaxing and brought us closer together...all of the things a date should be. I didn't worry about the girls, they were both with their Abita (Z's nickname for my mom, short for Abuelita). Lu still doesn't take a bottle very well but she was a good little girl and slept all the way until 5 am! Which was nice since we ended up staying out pretty late.

Anyways....we went to one of our favorite places in Lincoln, Bread & Cup. The menu changes on the weekends and they never disappoint (except when they run out something that looks delicious!) I ordered a glass of the house chardonnay, which was sweet and crisp and ended up being a perfect accompaniment to my meal. We started off with a camembert plate, which was bread, camembert, apple slices and honey. Flavor explosion! I would have never thought of combining all of those flavors, but it was amazing. Definitely something we will try to recreate for our at-home date nights. For our entrees Joe ordered a three sausage plate and I ordered the stuffed pork. Both entrees were beautiful and delicious, I wish I had taken pictures of them before they were devoured :)

We ended the evening by breaking Joe's no-sugar rule and split a slice of carrot cake. I enjoyed mine with a little decaf french press coffee. Great food and wonderful company, such a lovely date night!

{this moment}

2011-02-11T16:26:00.000-06:00

{this moment}

2011-02-04T09:21:00.000-06:00

Our Lives Before

2011-02-01T22:07:00.002-06:00

There's a part of my oldest daughter's bedtime routine that I look forward to everyday. It involves brushing the many tangles that develop throughout the day out of her beautiful, long hair and braiding it before sleep. But it's so much more than that. In order to get her to sit still while I brush, I tell her stories. While it began as a ploy to stop her from moving and screaming "Ouch Mommy, that hurts!" whenever I brushed her hair, it has evolved into something more meaningful.

She asks, "Mommy, will you tell me a story?"
"What would you like the story to be about?" I reply.
"Tell me 'Once upon a time' when you were a little girl...."

And so I indulge her. I tell her stories about school, my first puppy, when I had lice (true story!), camping trips and more. Lately, whenever I finish a story she wants to tell a story too. Her story is usually a summary of the story I just told, only with her in the lead role and me as a supporting actor. She takes some creative liberties, but for the most part the original story remains. I found this very cute and amusing for a few nights. Then, one night it hit me. The reason she keeps inserting herself into my stories is because she can't imagine our lives without her in them. This same reason is why she asks "Where am I?" whenever she sees our wedding pictures, or pictures of Joe and I before she was born. She only knows life with us in it.

I lived a lifetime before she was born, and that is hard for her to understand. She's beginning to grasp the concept, but not entirely. Which made me think of all the things I still have to tell her about myself. There is much she doesn't know. Many things will be hard and painful to explain. I'm waiting for the day when she asks me, "Mommy, why do you only have a Mommy and no Daddy? Where is he?" How do I tell my darling, sweet girl that her grandfather, my father, chose the bottle over a family? Where do I begin to explain the challenges that I faced as I grew up in a single parent home with 4 brothers and sisters? Amidst the hardship there is joy, I know. The joy will not be difficult to share. It's the pain that will prove arduous.

There will be healing in the telling of these parts of my life, I know this. However, many things in my past weren't property dealt with, simply because I couldn't dwell on them in order to survive. So, this re-telling will require some re-opening of wounds. It will be tough, but it will show my daughter that difficult circumstances can make you stronger. She will see that her mother endured (as her grandmother did), and so when she faces adversity, she will also endure.

this moment

2011-01-28T15:35:00.000-06:00

Be My Valentine

2011-01-26T19:55:00.003-06:00

I am not a big fan of Valentine's Day. I never have been. To me, it's always felt like a day of obligation. I prefer flowers from my love on a random day or a treat he picked up on the way home from work to remind me "how sweet our love is" (go ahead, say it together....awwww!)

That being said, there is one event that takes place in Lincoln that I have been looking forward to since it ended last year. That event is Love On The Run

Love On The Run is put on by Porridge Papers, a local papermill and letterpress studio in Lincoln, NE. They have amazing work. I keep trying to think of an event that would justify me spending the money to get some custom letterpress invitations. But...the great thing about Love On The Run is....it's free!

It's pretty amazing what they do. They have a few old, vintage typewriters set up with lots of cute pink paper. Plenty of help is available to teach you how to use the typewriter. Then you can type up as many messages as you desire! (EDIT: Attendance is so large that you are now limited to one note per person....make it count!) Once your message is typed up it is placed inside a little bottle (at least that's what they have done in years past) and you tell them where you would like the message to be delivered. On February 14 tons of little love notes will be delivered all over Lincoln! Think of how surprised your girlfriend, husband or co-worker will be to receive a sweet little note typed with a vintage typewriter and delivered to their workplace or their home!

In the past I have written notes for my husband. We don't like to spend money for Valentine's Day, so this is a cute way to show him that I'm thinking of him without spending a dime. Two years ago I decided to write a note for a co-worker whose husband was going to be gone for Valentine's Day. I wanted her to know she was loved! My mistake was in not marking the notes BEFORE I placed them in their bottles. The result was that she ended up with the note that I wrote for my husband. I was mortified, mostly because I had put some pretty steamy stuff in my husband's note. When she received it she thought it was sort of strange but assumed I was trying to do a Song of Solomon thing and wrote her a love note from God. I called to explain that the notes had been mixed up and she couldn't stop laughing. I was relieved she found such humor in the situation.

Anyways, if you think Valentine's Day is super cheesy or you are the type of person that loves to get extravagant gifts, go to Porridge Papers and bring some ideas for your love notes!

Just be sure to mark your notes so that you can distinguish a note for your friend from a note for your beloved ;)

"We know just what we know..."

2011-01-25T19:51:00.000-06:00

Yes. Exactly.

and yet love happens

The Beard

2011-01-24T19:52:00.000-06:00

Love this. My 3 year old refers to Sam Beam as "the beard". I think it's fitting.

this moment

2011-01-24T12:42:00.001-06:00

p.s. I realize it's Monday. We have been dealing with sickness here since Thursday so I'm a little late.

...and then I laughed

2011-01-20T23:07:00.001-06:00

Today was one of those days. The kind that makes you want to hide under your covers until tomorrow. The the kind that obligates you to lock yourself in the bathroom so you can have just 5 seconds to yourself. The kind that overcomes you and forces you to sit in the middle of the kitchen floor and cry your heart out.

Yup, it was one of those days.

The girls took turns having their difficult times. Joe wasn't feeling well...and I wasn't feeling well. I feel as if I have hardly seen my husband this week, with both of us working now. I was losing patience, fast. Z was making me so frustrated and I found myself ready to just quit.

Instead, I gave in. I stopped worrying about controlling when my daughters sleep (or don't sleep), when they listen to me and do "exactly as I say". And I played. And I laughed. And it was great.

Joe and I are reevaluating the way we approach discipline. We decided pretty early on we were not going to spank our children. There are lots of reasons behind this decision that I won't get into here. But we are taking it farther. We want to be very intentional with our parenting.

I've been reading up a lot on gentle discipline. Here is what one blog had to say:

"Gentle discipline follows directly from the core ideas of attachment parenting. We seek to guide our children in a way that strengthens the parent-child bond, fostering connection rather than disconnection, relationship rather than opposition. We probe for the need that our child is trying to meet through the problematic behavior, and help him meet it in positive ways. We empathize with his feelings and respect his point of view, taking both into account as we look for a solution. Gentle discipline seeks to build a parent-child team for solving problems and moving forward together." (from Peaceful Parenting)

I have found that when I try to listen to what my child is trying to say through her actions rather that just react I have a much easier time solving the problem. If, however, I simply react, the situation usually escalates and gets out of control. I have to admit, when I'm tired and impatient, it's much, much easier to react. I have to humble myself and realize that the goal in my parenting isn't to control my children. And if I take the time to listen the situation has a much better outcome.

So, today began as one of those days in which I simply react. But then I took a step back and remembered that I need to be intentional. That one decision changed my entire mood. I was able to play and laugh with my daughter and not worry so much about what she was doing wrong, but be in awe of what she was doing.

Even though the day turned around, I asked my lovely husband to go to the store for me. He's returning with this:

I may or may not share :)

Life with Two

2011-01-17T19:10:00.000-06:00

"So how is life with two kids now?"

I've been getting that question a lot lately. I wish I had adequate words for my response each time this question is asked, but honestly? The answer is different every time. One day my reply could be, "It's great! We are having so much fun!" and yet another day, "Insane. Exhausting. Lonely...". Life with two is different, crazy, wonderful and unpredictable. The following is a list of things that I didn't know before the birth of my 2nd child.

I didn't know that....

my life would change dramatically, even more than when I had my 1st child
I would forget almost everything about the infant stage...yet fall into caring for an infant very easily...the anxiety and worry that existed when my 1st was an infant would not be present
my heart would expand and grow in ways I didn't know were possible
my parenting style would change [i.e. we went from "babywise" to bed sharing :)]
I would be more tired and would take much, much longer to recover than I expected
even though I've done this all before, I would doubt myself and my ability to make it through one.single.day
breastfeeding would be much easier the 2nd time around
I would breastfeed in public...without a cover...and not be nervous
I would have absolutely no time to myself
I would have absolutely no time with my husband
my oldest would suddenly look like a giant
my heart would melt when my oldest would hug & kiss her "weetle sister"
I would fall in love with my husband all over again
I would mourn my oldest growing older
at times I would feel more alone than I ever have
at other times I would feel more love than I ever have
moms with one child would approach me in public and ask "How do you do it?" and I would say "I don't know...I just do"
the reason I wouldn't take as many pictures of my 2nd as I did of my 1st is because I just wouldn't have the time
my life is more full, more stressful yet more beautiful because I have two

this moment

2011-01-14T15:39:00.003-06:00

Poetry Saturdays

2011-01-08T21:21:00.007-06:00

I was inspired today by a podcast by Scott Cairns. He is a teacher and a writer. His poetry really strikes a chord with me. He introduced another poet, Liliana Ursu, who had some great stuff as well. Anyway, all that to say, I need to write more. So I'm proposing one poem every Saturday until I get tired of doing it or the year ends, or both! Ha! Speaking of getting tired. I think it's time to go get some rest.

Poem #1: A Poem for January 8th

Our aches and pains will help us kneel
In the place where love will meet
With broken hearts unmended
Gaping wounds unattended

Like old, ugly Christmas sweaters
With holes worn through by mice

I felt the ice
Creeping in
Through the throbbing in my head

I wintered on this couch
Half asleep all day,
Woke to find the sun was out
But had no words to say

I long for purity
But purity
Does not fit well on me

And I have smelled Your smoke,
From the fire lit in me

It burns, though cinders fizzle out
So easily these days

To desire one thing,
To want Thee, only Thee
Not the answer to the question
Not the cure for all the pain
But, O Thou art elusive like the clouds after the rain

ps. Another part of this poetry Saturday thing--just to keep it interesting--is that I will be featuring pictures taken by my 3-year-old daughter. The one in this post is a fave!

This Christmas

2010-12-13T13:42:00.002-06:00

My Grandmother was a collector. She collected miniatures, dolls, and many other things. When she reposed, there was a bit of an argument among my sisters and I. See, at some point in each of our lives our Grandmother promised each one of us could have her miniatures. This fall, after Lucia was born, my sisters and I got together to divide the miniatures. This task was quite difficult. There was one particular miniature we all wanted....a gumball machine. There were hurt feelings, but there was also lots of joy and squealing as we relived each little miniature and how it reminded us of our Grandma.

I am facing a similar difficult task now. One that is proving to be quite challenging. My Grandpa has asked each of his children and grandchildren to bring an ornament to Christmas this year. This ornament should hold some memory of our Grandma. It can be new, old or handmade, all that is required is that it represents my Grandma. I am not exaggerating when I say that this one request has been occupying my mind ever since he asked me.

I walked through Target last night intending to find a tree skirt. Instead, I wandered over to the ornaments section analyzing each ornament and trying to find how it would exemplify Grandma. And I found myself wanting. None of the ornaments show her kind heart and gentle spirit. There was no single ornament that would convey just how warm a hug from Grandma could be. Her cheerful laugh and smile could not be reduced to a hanging bauble.

It's hard to wrap my mind around a Christmas without her. She has always, always been there. Every piano recital, every speech, every play, every birthday, she was there. Maybe that is why this task is so hard to accomplish. I don't want to think about the fact that this Christmas she won't be there. I trust that she is praying for us. I feel it. And I find comfort in knowing that the physical pain she endured these last couple years is over.

No matter what ornament I choose, I know that she will love it. And when we all gather to hang our ornaments on the tree and explain what each one means, I believe that she will be present with us.

What are you listening to?

2010-12-11T11:16:00.001-06:00

We have a lot of Christmas favorites in this house. Along with the classic Nat King Cole and others, there are a few other Christmas albums that are getting heavy rotation in the Heider home this year.

A Very Rosie Christmas

Rosie Thomas is one of my absolute favorite artists. This album is a little sappy and sad at times, but also full of joy. Rosie loves Christmas.

Songs for Christmas

Sufjan Stevens can do no wrong in my opinion. His Songs for Christmas collection has some original, traditional and lesser known songs. It also includes of my favorite Christmas songs Lo, How a Rose E're Blooming.

Snow Angels and The Darkest Night of the Year

Over the Rhine is so amazing. Karin's voice alone could keep you warm during the cold Midwest winter.

What are you listening to in your homes? What songs get you in the Christmas spirit?

The Birth of Lucia Grace

2010-09-26T20:49:00.002-05:00

I want to start off by saying that my husband is the most amazing man in the world. When I labor with him and bring a baby into the world with him I realize all over again why I love this man. He was my rock and strength during the fast 6 hours of labor of this baby and I am in total awe of him.

Labor began at 5:30 Thursday morning. I had been having some strong contractions in the middle of the night when I would get up to go to the bathroom. I didn't really think anything of them, just though maybe I ate something that wasn't agreeing with me. Then, at 5:30 I could not fall back asleep. I decided to go downstairs because I felt that I needed to pace with the contractions. I was trying to time them in my head and thought they were only lasting 30 seconds, but later realized that they were about 1 minute in length and about 3-5 minutes apart. My husband came down at 6 am and knew that labor had begun, but I was still in denial. He kept asking if we should call the midwife, but I wanted to wait, thinking that once I went to the bathroom I would be fine. I did go to the bathroom and the contractions only increased in strength. I was still able to walk during them, but they were so intense that I had to stop talking during one. So at 6:30 we decided to call the midwife, who had quite a drive ahead of her. After we called the midwife we called our doula, the amazing Stephanie Dank, and my mother.

Our daughter slept in and my husband actually ended up waking her around 8 am. By that point the contractions were very intense. I decided to start singing a tune each time I got a contraction. I'm not sure why, but it really helped to start off high, then get lower as the contraction ended. Z really liked that I was "singing to baby turtle" and wanted to help sing too. Our doula came around 9. Shortly before she arrived I decided I needed to be in our bedroom. I was grateful that it was cloudy and overcast outside, I really need dark when I labor. Z unplugged the clock in our room and Joe was about to plug it back in but I told him to leave it unplugged. So after Steph arrived I was not aware of time passing, just the intensity of labor.

Our priest came in and prayed for us and blessed me with the most heavenly smelling oil. It was wonderful to catch whiffs of it as I worked through the contractions. I ended up needing a lot of back pressure, so Joe and Steph took turns applying pressure during my contractions. I know that they were pushing as hard as the could, and I would always tell them it wasn't hard enough. My poor husband's arms were incredibly sore the next day...and he is in shape, so that tells you how hard I needed pressure!

I had some incredible moments of rest in between the contractions. Some moments I felt I was actually able to feel a contraction come on and tell my body, "Please, just wait a little bit...I just need to lay here for a time" and the contraction would subside. That rest was the sweetest rest I had gotten in months.

I got up to use the restroom a couple of times and my doula noticed that I seemed to handle the contractions a little better sitting on the toliet. We decided to move into the bathroom and I went through transition on the toliet. I remember feeling pressure and knowing it wasn't the baby but being very confused about what was happening. I yelled "Somethings coming out of me!" and then I felt my water break. That's when things got very real and it was evident this baby was going to come soon.

I soon felt the urge to push, but remember telling myself that it was way to early to do so, considering the midwife wasn't there yet. As I was sitting on the toliet I began to feel my body bearing down, even though I wasn't consciously pushing. Then I had a couple of contractions where I felt like I couldn't handle what was happening. I remember violently shaking my hands out in front of me. My doula could tell I was struggling and suggested that if I was fighting the urge to push that I should pretend to blow out a candle. That calmed me down a bit, but I still felt the need to push. The midwife's apprentice suggested that it was time to move back into the bedroom unless I wanted to have the baby on the toliet.

As we walked to the bedroom I heard someone say, "They are here now....your midwife is here". I didn't even wait for her to come up. I just got on my hands and knees on the bed and started pushing. At some point someone suggested that we put the birthing ball on the bed so that I could lay on it for support. So I kneeled on the birth ball and in between pushes I was able to lay on it and rest. Our doula asked my mom to come up with my daughter. Joe and I had decided we wanted her to be present for the birth, so she could see her sister or brother come into this world. She seemed to be doing well, though my mom told me later at one point she looked like she was really scared. But then later I heard her ask if she could go to her room. She sounded bored :)

As I pushed I could feel my baby getting closer and closer. It was incredible. Our midwife suggested I reach down and feel the head. That was very motivating to me, because I could feel how close she really was. And I felt her hair! I remember saying out loud how happy I was she had so much hair, that all the heartburn was worth it. Then I remember feeling really happy in between pushes. I said, "Oh Baby Turtle, I can't wait to meet you!". This was something that our daughter said to my belly almost everyday. It just kept repeating in my head, over and over. After a half-hour of pushing, Baby Turtle was born at 11:33 a.m, September 23rd, 2010. Since I was on my hands and knees I couldn't see her right away. I heard a little cry, but she was mostly quiet. And no one had said whether she was a boy or a girl yet! Joe caught her and held her briefly, then passed her up to me. Then I asked, "Did anyone look to see if Turtle is a boy or a girl?" as I opened up the towel. I remember thinking, "Where's the penis?" as I looked at her then said, "A girl!" We were shocked. We all thought Turtle was a boy, except for Azalia. The whole pregnancy she called Turtle a girl. She was right!

Joe was able to cut the cord after it stopped pulsing. The scissors were a little dull, so our midwife actually got sprayed with blood as he cut it! Then we nursed for a long time while I had some contractions. About a half-hour after Lucia was born I pushed out the placenta. Then the midwife helped us into our herbal bath. It was heavenly! Lucia really enjoyed it too. She was so alert and calm the whole time. As I soaked in the bath they weighed and measured her and checked her heart rate. All of this took place right beside the tub so that Lucia was never out of my presence. That was so comforting. After our bath Joe, Lucia and I were tucked into bed. My mom had already taken Z out of the house for a day of fun. Our doula had made us the most amazing zucchini fritters. I didn't eat a whole lot during the labor, so I was starving, and this was just what I needed. After everyone left, we took the most glorious nap together, then woke up and decided to go to the emergency room. I had a 2nd degree tear that needed to be sutured. Our midwife said it needed to be done, but not right away, so we napped first.

The emergency room was an interesting experience. We were treated very nicely by all the nurses, but the doctor was a total jerk and tried to intimidate me. He wanted me to give him our midwife's name, but I refused. He got a phone call and left the room. I turned to my husband and said, "If he comes back in here I'm asking for a different doctor. There is no way I'm letting this man touch me". When he did return he came back with our chosen back up doctor, who did an amazing job stitching me up! I was so grateful.

We came home to a house full of family and food. Z gave me the biggest hug when we walked in. There were cinnamon rolls baking in the oven, baked lovingly by my sister. Z's birthday was the following day and we had promised her cinnamon rolls for breakfast. Our families didn't stay for very long so that we could rest. Joe put Z to bed, then our friend and doula, Steph, returned with a celebration drink for us, wheat beer, to help my milk come in. We reflected on the birth together and Steph shared some things that really stuck out to her. It was cool to get her perspective on it all. After she left, Joe, Lucia and I all snuggled into bed together. As I lay there trying to fall asleep I remember thinking how crazy it was that we had a baby!

The home birth experience was incredible. I can't even begin to describe how wonderful it was to labor in my own home. Z's birth was natural, but in a hospital and there were many things that happened that I did not have any control over. This birth was different. Joe and I were able to be together and move about the house as we desired. I did what my body told me to do, without being questioned by nursing staff or doctors. And besides the emergency room and the pediatrician, I did not leave the house until yesterday. I know that home birth is not for everyone, but I wish that every mother could experience an empowering birth, a birth that makes them feel like their bodies were made for just this purpose, to bring a life into the world.

Braxton Hicks and Feeling Like a Whale

2010-09-13T14:37:00.001-05:00

We are officially 37 weeks pregnant. This baby could come literally anytime now. That exhilarates, yet terrifies me. We are "prepared". We have clothes, we have our bed, my breasts are ready to start producing milk (TMI?). Diapers are washed and folded, waiting for a tiny little person to fill them. The house is a mess, but I'm getting little nesting urges that will take care of that. I had the most unnatural desire to dust all the walls in my house today. I have yet to do it, but I want it done. Pregnancy is funny.

It's hard to believe how quickly this pregnancy has gone. It's also hard to believe that it has been a year since we became pregnant with Seraphim and just as quickly lost him. The loss of that little one has been heavy on my heart these past few days. Just one year after we lost him we are preparing to welcome another little one into the world. It's beautiful and heartbreaking.

Z is growing excited for Turtle's arrival. With her excitement, however, comes defiance and independence. She knows that life is going to change. She can sense it in the air, see it in the house, in our faces. As excited as she is, she's fighting this change with all the strength her 3 year old body can muster. To say it's been trying is an understatement. Lord Jesus Christ have mercy on us! All of us need patience.

And so, we wait. As I grow larger and larger by the second, we wait. With each "practice" contraction my body is slowly preparing itself for labor and the birth of our sweet Baby Turtle. Come soon! But not too soon.